I am beautiful
When you sit around and truly reflect on who you are you learn a lot about yourself. In my first blog I opened up about my sexual abuse as a toddler. I let people in to see a side of me that people rarely see. Now let me let you all in a little deeper, let me take you on a deeper journey into my world.
Growing up I was always the big girl in the group, I thought I was the cutest thing ever but the world didn’t always see it that way. Well let’s not say the world lets be blunt, MEN didn’t see me for as beautiful as I really was. But why did that matter?
See that’s the problem I cared what they thought I cared about what they did or did not see in me, I CARED. That was my downfall, I CARED. I was INSECURE with myself and I know this because had I been secure in myself I would not have cared what they thought, cared what they saw and the only opinion that would have mattered was mine.
But that wasn’t the case. I let it bother me, I let it get to me, and I let it control me to the point where sex again became my go to. Well if I’m not cute enough or I’m too fat at least I can have sex better than her. I can suck dick better than her. I’ll do things she won’t do.
PAUSE, whoever her was, was made up and wasn’t worried about me. But I kept competing with her to win him by giving my body. Now how the hell does that work? It doesn’t. The only person that is winning is him because he gets my body, I didn’t get respect, I didn’t get a relationship and I didn’t get a commitment. So again who’s winning here? And what was I aiming for? To feel wanted? Because it feels good to be wanted by someone, right? Well yeah it does but all I was being wanted for was my vagina. I was losing and didn’t even know it.
Once I realized they were winning, I went to my safe haven within myself. I hid who I was and became the deceitful individual that I had created. I started winning because all I wanted was sex, all I wanted was to get a nut and send him home. I won because I was lying, I won because I got the last laugh, and I won because it was my way now. I was winning but at what cost? I was winning but what exactly was I winning? I was winning but I was still alone? So what did I win? Self-satisfaction that I was a no good liar? Self-satisfaction that I still gave up my body? Self-satisfaction that I had one up on them? Good win right? I was still losing because I wasn’t me.
Bottled up in me was that I was fat, I wasn’t cute enough and again sex must be all I have because I mean they took it from me early on. Boy was that a dark place. And I tell you this, this is probably the first time anyone is hearing this. I don't think I let anyone know that at one point I stayed in a dark place and I didn’t care.
Over the past 5 years I have been single and my, has it been a liberating experience. I know what I deserve and who I deserve and oh I will get what I deserve. I’m so much more than my body and my face. I am a versatile two time college graduate, with a career, and goals. That’s not all but that’s the basics. When I tell you baby I bring my own table, that’s what I do.
We all have to take the time and reflect on us. Reflect on who we are, own up to our faults and our weaknesses, learn from them and be better than we were yesterday. I was weak, now I’m strong. I was evil, now I’m happy. All because I had to wake myself up. The only person I am competing with is me. I now know “I am beautiful no matter what they say words, can’t bring me down.” Christina said it best.
Someone else out there has had a similar battle and I want you to know that it is OK. We will prevail and we will come out on top. With hard work and dedication you can free yourself from the person you don’t need to be, and become the person you need you to be.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.