The Beautiful Ugly Truth
I always get asked what the reasoning is behind NENE AT NITE: "Where sex is no longer a dirty word." A show where I educate, stimulate and take you places that you’ve never been before. This is my world.
As always I give a general bland statement, which goes something like: because I am comfortable talking about sex. I have never had an issue having a regular conversation when sex is the topic. I can talk about sex the same as anyone can talk about sports. It’s something that I have always been interested in sex, so why not create my own world. See how general that is? Well it’s the truth but it also covers a deep rooted reason. This is the main reason why I started the show.
Let me start at the beginning. I’ve always been full of life and energy. Although I hit a major bump in the road early in life it has never fully altered who I grew to be. I’ve always been ambitious, goal driven and outgoing. Glad I was able to carry these traits through life in spite of my detour. As a three year old we don’t know much, as a matter of fact who honestly remembers what happened during their third year of life? I remember this part of three...
When I was three a part my innocence was taken from me. Therefore three wasn’t so innocent for me. One day I was outside playing as any child would be on such a beautiful sunny day right outside of my house. I was playing with another child who was also three. That day quickly turned. Some child, a boy, a 10 year old boy who didn’t have proper home training or simply a boy who was more than likely sexually abused himself saw fit that I put my mouth on his genitals. Put MY MOUTH on his genitals so that he could pee, yes pee, (Which as an adult I now know of course he wanted to feel the sensation of ejaculating). He liked being aroused and he liked the end result. But he asked me a three year old. It didn’t stop there, he influenced the other little boys who were my age to do the same. Four in total. Four!
A three year old with four different male genitals in her mouth! I mean this is what kids do right? I saw a penis before I knew how to ride a bike. I saw a penis before I knew how to tie my shoe. I saw a penis before I even knew what a penis was.
As an adult I suppressed this memory and never wanted to talk about it again, but it was holding me hostage mentally and physically. I mean do you blame a 10 year old who was a child for taking something from you as a child? Are you supposed to talk about it? Do you bring your mother back to that dark place with you? Do you open up or just shut up? I shut up for so long and sex was what I turned to. Sex was comfortable for me. Sex was what I wanted. I thought sex was the answer. I met men and I had sex. I met a man and honestly I didn’t want anything from him but sex.
Once I met a great man, for once I didn’t take sex from him but I shut him out and shut him down. Honestly because I knew sex is what I wanted. This was a cycle, a trend. I grew up and had a buried hate for MEN. Besides if a boy took something from me so easily why would I trust them in adult form? Made sense to me.
Sex led me to have a baby by a man that I barely knew. It ended up being the best worst decision I ever made. Of course I got the most beautiful baby girl from the situation, but entering into a relationship for the baby, was the most horrible decision ever. It didn’t come without headaches, arguments and child support. I mean I only wanted sex, that’s it that’s all. See how it’s the best worst decision ever?
Growing up I harbored my hurt so deep. I wanted to hurt men as much as they had hurt me. Not just him but them! Those boys, they all became the enemy. I wanted to lie to them, dog them and treat them like the scum I thought they were. Yeah I had one good solid relationship but I never fully trusted him or opened up to him because I knew that he was still a man. I was just on some fuck you and leave deal. I have hindered myself from loving a man, trusting a man and just being a woman that a man needs. This was my world!
All of this led me to where I am now, here in 2017 where I thought it was time that I take a negative and turn it into a positive. I thought to myself if you love sex so much help others learn and grow with their sexual experiences. Help others become better at sex and be able to please their partners in ways that they couldn't imagine. Sex has ran your life for so long why not make it an honest journey. Here I am in 2017 with a show that is picking up faster than I know.
Here I am in 2017 and I faced my sexual abuse and my abuser. Side note: because of his age and finding out that he too was sexually abused I was able to let it go, write a message to him and send my peace. It was the best thing I could ever do for myself. Here I am in 2017 helping others explore the world of sex and I’m LOVING it!
Sex has been a part of my world far longer than it needed to be, and it will be a part of my world until I’m ready for it to leave. I have control now and this is the way I choose to have sex be a part of me. I made sex into something positive and man do I love it.
To anyone who is struggling with sexual abuse please talk to someone and face it head on. To any man that has been a victim of my carelessness, sorry you had to be a bruise on my journey of finding me.
End note: The number three will forever be a special number to me. I was born in the third month. Three was a year that I will never forget. My child was born in the third month, her name is Trinity which is the power of three. You know I think God saw a fit for me and the number three!
Remember hurt people hurt people. Don't hurt people because people hurt you.
To anyone that is reading this remember: SEX IS NOT A DIRTY WORD!